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      It’s frustrating to me how often people loosely toss around the phrase “narcissist” in conversation. The disorder is becoming more widely prevalent in today's society, yet it’s all too common to hear someone incorrectly use the term to describe an individual who might possess a higher-than-normal level of self-confidence, who may exhume a little bit of arrogance or who could just simply be your garden variety asshole. And the term almost always seems to be used in reference to a male. For me, it just shows how many people are truly ignorant (not ignorant as in stupid, but just haven’t yet had an occasion to become educated) of what a real narcissist is. But in this instance ignorance is truly bliss. Because I sincerely wish I still believed that was all it meant. 

      In reality, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an extremely complex mental health disorder that can vary greatly in severity among those who suffer from it, which is one likely reason why it remains so commonly misunderstood. And understanding it becomes even more complicated given that it’s so common for the disorder to be accompanied by other simultaneous psychological disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder. 

      In many researched and documented cases where the disorder has been positively diagnosed by a qualified psychologist, the disorder seemed to have originally been triggered at a very young age. Some sort of traumatic event or painful childhood occurrence caused the individual to sever the ties within themselves that would allow them to create any sort of lasting emotional bonds whatsoever with other individuals. Simply put, and tragically, they lost the ability to love. And with that went their capacity for empathy. Over the years as they grew and matured (sort of) they learned how to mimic the love and empathy they witnessed in those around them. But the absence of genuine emotion behind all the outward pretending will eventually drive their ego to overcompensate and develop exaggerated feelings of self-importance and entitlement. Therefore, narcissists are typically overly self-centered, exceedingly arrogant in their behavior, have little-to-no consideration for other people, possess exaggerated feelings of self-importance, are overly preoccupied with their own needs and wants and above all else, desperately crave attention. They aren’t wired to be capable of feeling any sort of sympathy, but rather tend to be filled with disgust over someone they feel is beneath them, which sadly, is usually most everyone.

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      For some narcissists it’s blatantly apparent to others that they’re socially unpleasant people and they eventually stop (or never started) pretending to care for others whatsoever. They develop into crude, cold individuals who openly display their animosity toward others and dismiss them as anything other than objects to use for their own benefit and/or gratification. These narcissists are much easier to identify because their abrasive outward nature quickly drives most people away, or at least grants others the option to decide if they can accept the narcissist for who they are. But many narcissists attempt to keep their true selves hidden and become viciously protective of their secret. These individuals are referred to as “Covert Narcissists”. They spend so much of their lives focused on learning how to emulate normal behavior that they quite often become exceptionally good at it, driven by their terrifying fear of being exposed as a fraud. So much so that covert narcissists will often seem to be the most charismatic, interesting and admired people you could ever meet- which only serves to make them more dangerous.

      Covert narcissists don’t approach relationships the same as normal people. Their only interest is in securing a good source of "supply", that's made up of attention, affection, admiration, obedience and personal energy. Most people start out seeking a significant other that possesses as many of their preferred characteristics as possible in effort to find “the one”. They're looking for someone who would make an ideal partner, to get to know on a deeper level, to develop a strong emotional bond with, to marry and to eventually grow old with. Narcissists tend to only be interested in marriage if it benefits them in some way, such as financial stability, the opportunity to have children, or to develop a family “network” where they can exercise their authoritarian control. Regardless of whether a narcissist marries or stays single, they will never, ever remain loyal. They can’t be. Loyalty, devotion and monogamy simply makes no sense to them, and they view those traits as being purely reserved for weaker people. When you combine the narcissist's uncontrollable craving for attention, their overwhelming need to be admired and wanted, the inflated importance of their own needs and wants with their lack of emotional connections that normally discourages committed individuals from straying, you end up with a person who is easily distracted and will, simply put, sleep with anyone they find themselves attracted to. Most narcissists will have sex with an exceptionally large number of people in their lifetime. This often occurs at a frequency that borders on reckless and dangerous. Dating and relationships are a game to them, and narcissists take personal pride in their score.

      As strange as this is going to sound, their approach to relationships is one area where I have to admit narcissists can be extremely impressive. Individuals who suffer from this disorder tend to develop a unique skill that rivals that of great artists, craftsmen and composers. While the source of this skill comes from purely evil intentions, it’s hard not to admire their highly developed ability to make people fall in love with them. When a narcissist meets someone new they put one hundred percent of their energy and focus into that person and treats them better than they have ever been treated. This is referred to as “Love Bombing”. They feel they have to bewilder their target, leaving them in complete awe and capturing all their attention, leaving no possible room for competition. All the while they study them. With unwavering focus, they probe and make mental note of every story, comment, desire, preference, want, need, dream and fantasy and use that collective information to morph themselves into the embodiment of those attributes. Like a changeling, they work to transform themselves into that person’s ideal dream partner so they can leave their head spinning, begging for more. The narcissist will dress the way they know their target likes, do all the things he or she enjoys, spend lots of money on them (in the beginning, anyway), cater to their every whim and discuss grandiose plans for their joint future that's perfectly in line with what this person dreams of. All-the-while the narcissist has absolutely no intention of ever following through with any of it. The goal here is to get their target to fall hopelessly, helplessly in love with them and abandon all reason, leaving the narcissist in complete control of the target's emotions, actions and decisions. 

      Once the narcissist feels like they have the target right where they want them, this is when the change comes. Now that the narcissist feels confident in the work they've put into digging their claws deep into their victim’s heart, they discard them. Just as quickly as the narcissist came into their life, out of the blue, they turn their back. This 180-degree move is simply for the challenge of seeing what extent the victim might go to in order to win them back after having the narcissist turn their attention elsewhere for a while. This has the added benefit to the narcissist of allowing them time to pursue other victims, to continue honing their manipulation skills, establishing a backup source of emotional "supply" and sleep with other people while the target victim is paralyzingly distraught, desperately pining to have them back and wondering what the hell they did wrong to deserve this cold treatment. They have no idea this confusion is just part of the strategy- the next step in the game. 

      When a narcissist becomes involved with someone new, they themselves tend to fall hard and fast in the beginning. But this is just a fleeting moment. The novelty of their new pet will wear off quickly much like a child with a new toy. We've all seen that when children get a shiny new toy they become obsessed with it in the beginning, gleefully focusing on that one object until, inevitably, they lose interest. They remember the other toys they have lying around and they pick up one of those to keep themselves amused for a little while. They’ll eventually come back to play with the newer toy from time to time, but never with the same level of energy or enthusiasm as when it was new.

      The narcissist will come back and then leave over and over again, using their masterful manipulation skills to force their victim to feel as though it’s all their own fault. The single biggest rush a narcissist can feel is when they can get a victim to come crawling to them, begging to have them back, and apologizing after having never done anything wrong. This is why narcissists often seek out people who have a strong sense of empathy. They know inexperienced empaths tend to be easily manipulated and more tolerant of emotional abuse. The narcissist intentionally wears this person down to the point where they begin to question their own sanity and self-worth, a treatment referred to as “gaslighting”. They steal their victim’s energy, transferring it to themselves, because the narcissist's heart and soul are barren. They are simply incapable of creating sustainable emotional energy of their own. They selected their target because they were a good person, with real feelings, healthy self-esteem and had their life together. But they had no interest in being a part of all that; their needs are more aligned with the process of systematically breaking the person down into nothing. This never-ending cycle of emotional abuse was all just a challenge for the narcissist to see how badly the person can be diminished and torn down, because the narcissist believes that if their victim can be destroyed this easily then all those positive attributes were never real to begin with, and this makes the narcissist feel a little better about the evil, miserable monster they are.

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      I was unlucky enough to end up in a relationship with a woman suffering from textbook Covert Narcissism. I knew early on she was dealing with some pretty nasty psychological demons but I had myself convinced that what she needed in order to stay happy (and stay with me) was consistent and unconditional love, which was exactly the response she was shooting for. I fell into the trap, and it almost destroyed every aspect of my life. It has taken me years to build myself back up emotionally, spiritually and financially. Looking back, while I learned a lot about the disorder, and about myself, I still struggle occasionally with the shame and the anger of having allowed it to happen to me. While we were together she played a large role in my hurried divorce, in taking a huge financial hit by quickly selling my family home and in buying another house much larger than I needed because she claimed we were going to need the space for our new combined family. Eventually it became overly apparent something was very wrong. I learned more about who she really was and the lies about herself she had told. I read up on covert narcissism, realized exactly what I was dealing with and took the difficult but necessary steps to cut her out of my life. Even then she still managed to cost me my dream job, secretly planted a bug in my house to record my phone conversations, placed a GPS tracker on my vehicle, stalked me on dates and even sued me in Civil Court. Getting away wasn’t easy because it enrages a narcissist to be walked away from. She tried anything and everything to manipulate her way back into my life, even after all the horrible things she had said and done. But there’s only one way to rid yourself of a narcissist, and that’s with one hundred percent complete no-contact. If they can find any tiny little glimmer of an open door they will try to weasel back into your life. But that would be for just long enough to experience the joy of burning down your world once again. 

      In the end I had never gotten a chance to meet any of her children who were supposed to make up that "combined family", and she hadn't even been honest about how many children she had. And I was never allowed to meet any of her family or friends, for that matter. Today I believe she's still living with her husband of 20 years who seems to either not know or not care about the whole thing. After this experience I can smell a narcissist coming a mile away, and sincerely wish I could impart that instinct to everyone else out there who's ever at risk of falling victim. 

      Now, roughly 3 years later, I’m much happier and with someone who is truly worthy of all the love and attention I can give her. I count my blessings every day that I was lucky enough to find someone who not only understands what I’ve been through, but has helped me in my healing process, truly appreciates what I have to offer and values our relationship as much as I do.  

      So... maybe now you're asking yourself how you can avoid this from happening to you. How does someone recognize a narcissist? What do you watch out for to avoid falling victim to one of these villainous monsters? Professionals offer all types of advice for identifying a covert narcissist, but here’s a few ideas from my experience to keep in mind:

      1) They’re too good to be true.

If someone seems to constantly be laser-focused on your feelings and making you happy early on in a relationship, it could be a sign that they’re trying to brainwash you into thinking they’re a better person than they actually are. In normal relationships people tend to be somewhat cautious in the beginning stages and take their time to develop real feelings before showing strong admiration. If they seem like they’re just a little too into you early on in a relationship, that could definitely be a red flag.

      2) They try too hard to impress you. 

Looking back I recall all sorts of warning signs I ignored related to the narcissist exaggerating their life, how they’re viewed by others, how much money they make, stretching the truth on their accomplishments, etc. They have a strong need to make you think they are a much better, much more successful person than they really are. Stories about their life will start to seem a little unrealistic and quickly crumble under any scrutiny.

      3) They speak negatively about everyone.

Given a narcissist’s inflated sense of self-worth and conflicting jealousy, even people that they have spoken fondly of in the past will eventually become the target of severe criticism. They truly believe they are superior to everyone, so the more someone else seems like they possess positive attributes, the harsher the criticism will eventually be for that person- regardless of what has been said about them in the past.

      4) Your friends and family don’t like them.

The people in your life that care the most about you genuinely want you to be happy. That makes them immediate enemies of the narcissist because, not being under the spell of their charms, these people will see through their lies and deceit much faster. The narcissist doesn’t want you happy, they want you belittled and broken down, so they will find creative ways to drive a wedge between you and those you care most about.

      5) They “Jeckyl and Hyde” you.

A narcissist’s mood will flip back-and-forth from sweet to evil at any given moment. They will treat you wonderful if the moment and the situation suit them. Maybe they need to make up for having been especially mean to you recently, they may be trying to impress someone else the two of you are around, or they may be rewarding you for giving into their manipulation. But it's always temporary, and you could set your watch by their mood and demeanor turning bad. 

      6) They struggle with you being successful.

A narcissist will never be happy for you. If something good happens in your life they will not only find a way to take all the credit, but they will do everything they can to ruin the experience for you. They don’t want positive things to happen in your life because they need you to remain needy and dependent on them. Personal success runs the risk of improving your self-esteem, your confidence, and your station in life. And that threatens all the work they’ve accomplished in trying to keep you in their little pocket.

      7) Apologies are impossible.

A narcissist views an apology on their behalf as being the equivalent of death. They’re just as incapable of admitting they did something wrong as they are of admitting they have a problem. Their version of an “apology” tends to sound something like “I’m sorry you feel that way”, or “I’m sorry you can’t see what was wrong with what you did”.

      8) They ghost you.

Narcissists will feel the need to leave you alone for periods of time- sometimes for days or weeks. This is due to a combination of needing a break from all the tiresome “pretending”, wanting you to experience your life without them in it for a while to demonstrate firsthand how miserable you would be if they didn’t come back, and they honestly need the time to make sure they have a backup "supply" on deck in case you come to your senses and leave them. But make no mistake, it’s part of the game.

      9) Your relationship never advances.

Remember, a narcissist has zero interest in a real relationship with you. They simply want to string you along while they enjoy bleeding you dry. So they will come up with endless creative excuses for why the normal things that progress in healthy relationships aren’t happening for the two of you– and they will most likely blame it on you somehow. They have no problem making false promises, especially during the times they’re trying to convince you to let them back into your life after they discarded you. But you will waste your life away waiting for things like becoming more of a part of their life, moving in together, making concrete plans for future trips, or undertaking anything that binds their life to yours in any way.

      Once a narcissist gets a stranglehold on your emotions, you’ll find yourself putting up with behaviors that you once would have never tolerated. Your emotions and feelings for that person will be used against you, and any sign of strength you show will be met with even harsher treatment. You’ve become their pet, so any personal boundaries will be completely ignored. Surviving a relationship with a talented covert narcissist is one of the worst experiences one can ever endure- and getting away from one can be even harder.

      Once you’ve had enough of this treatment and realize how bad the situation has become, it’s time to take your life back. The only way to cut the cord is to turn your back on them completely. Anything short of pretending like they are dead will only drag out the hell they have put you through. Seeing a therapist is a great idea; often it’s helpful to have someone impartial helping us to assess our own situations. But don’t try to take the narcissist with you. Couples therapy will just give them an opportunity to practice their manipulation skills on yet another person. The discipline of psychology seems to be split on whether a narcissist is truly aware of what a horrible, broken person they really are. But one thing is for sure- whether the narcissist is fully aware of what a monster they are, or if they’re simply incapable of recognizing or admitting they have a problem, they will never be healed because they have no interest whatsoever in changing. That would require them to feel guilt and remorse, which are not within their capability. The only solace I can offer is that the narcissist will one day die a lonely, unfulfilled, and miserable person still holding out for someone better, and blaming the world for it all.

The Narcissist

How to Understand, Identify and Avoid Them

by Manquipt Chief Editor