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      As men, there are many instances that arise in everyday life when those around us look to us to behave as perfectly strong and confident men. While it’s often in our natures to rise to the occasion, we have to be willing to admit we’re not always up to the task. We’ve all been there guys. That feeling of inadequacy when you’re faced with a boyfriend/husband/fatherly task that you simply lack the interest or motivation to attempt to undertake. It’s challenging and tiresome to constantly strive to be the ideal man. But… in the end we are men. So we do exactly what decades of our emotionally closed-off, testosterone-ridden male ancestors have always done- we avoid it completely and never speak of it again.

      But where do we expect this to get us? What could we be sacrificing in our lives as a result of being inflexible and stubborn? Why must we fear looking ineffectual or incompetent if we break the cycle and try something we haven’t before? There’s no easy answer. It doesn’t matter if you’re single and running the treacherous gauntlet of the modern dating world searching for the perfect girl for you, or you’re in the blissful early stages of a new relationship where you’re desperately trying to hold onto that unrealistic impression she has of you as the perfect mate. Maybe you’ve been married for 25 years and sincerely want to keep your marriage strong. Or maybe you’re lucky enough to have children looking to you to set a proud example they can follow as they get older. Regardless of your specific situation, one thing remains constant: we men are expected to be superheroes- at all times, and under all circumstances. And it can feel overwhelming.

      Way too often we’ve heard first-hand, or were told in some article or read in a dating site profile, women’s descriptions of what kind of man they truly desire as a life partner only to think, “Shit, who could possibly stand up to that ideal?”. No wonder we seem to run across so many miserably unhappy, dissatisfied, and bitter women populating today’s dating pool. More often than not, she’s impatiently searching for a mythical creature that’s been propped up on a make-believe pedestal proliferated by a barrage of Hallmark movies and romance novels. It’s an ideal that’s practically impossible for a man to embody, because it’s a complete oxymoron. The guy she yearns for and is stubbornly holding out for must be a strong and masculine protector, but is required to be sensitive enough to share his feelings with her on queue. He must be hard-working and generate a healthy income so that he can provide for her, but also has to be readily available to spend time with her whenever she wants him around. He must have his own life, hobbies and friends so he’s not smothering, but she still needs him to be an integral and engaged part of her life. If he spends too much time with his Mother he’s a weirdo Mama’s boy; not enough and it’s a sign that he doesn’t value the women in his life. He has to look great naked, preferably with rippled abs, but can’t waste too much of his time at the gym. He must maintain a healthy diet to stay thin, but is expected to indulge in comfort food with her whenever she has cravings. We must dress amazingly well, be good cooks, help clean the house, change diapers and put the kids to bed, but we’re also expected to re-tile the bathroom floor and repair the broken lawnmower. We must be gentle lovers but know EXACTLY the right time and intensity level to be a little rough. Too much masculinity and we’re Neanderthals, too little and we’re wimpy. If we show too much of our feelings we’re pegged as overly emotional, not enough and we’re emotionally unavailable. If you’re reading this and one of the millions shaking their head yes and saying “Mmm-Hmm”, just know you’re not alone.

      Let’s face it fellas, the expectations placed on us by society in the modern age all-too-often leaves us feeling inadequate. And how could it not? More and more over the last couple of decades the specifics of our roles as men have broadened tremendously due to a shift in modern culture, albeit a long overdue shift in many aspects. Our fathers and grandfathers were perfectly happy playing the role of the strong, stoic, silent provider that left 100% of the household and child raising tasks to the womenfolk. Of course, today we’re still expected to retain all the characteristics of the “classic man” considered to be attractive, but also must be willing to perform many of the tasks associated with running a household that had previously been considered purely feminine. Expectations have shifted to a more well-rounded and fully engaged man, who is very much in touch with his own emotions and is freely willing to take on his share of the domestic duties, but has to somehow retain the hereditary genetics and primal instincts of the hunter/gatherer passed down from our stone-faced forefathers. And as if that’s not enough, we’re constantly judged on every aspect of ourselves- including how we dress, our haircuts, facial hair, teeth, fingernails, how we smell, the shoes we wear, the vehicle we drive, our jobs, our ability to carry on intellectual conversations, our taste in music, how we spend our time, who we associate with and practically every other aspect of who we are as men. We’re simply not wired to stay consciously aware of the condition of all these aspects of ourselves at once, much less be successful in keeping it all on point 24/7. While it’s typically in our inherent nature to want to craftily juggle all these aspects, it can take a significant amount of time, effort, focus and energy (not to mention the willingness) to reinvent our natural selves and make it our norm to do so. While many of us agree that we’re long overdue for some increase in hygienic diligence and redistribution of the everyday domestic responsibilities, it requires a significant amount of self-evaluation and personal motivation to pull off effectively. 

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      Not that we don’t have similar high hopes and expectations for the women in our lives; we must be willing to admit that we do it to them too, gentlemen. Every person, both male and female, naturally seeks to find someone embodied with the maximum number of our preferred specific appealing traits as possible. Now be honest- how many of us guys have prayed we could find an absolute bombshell that’s also willing to watch football with us every Sunday, ride a horse or 4-wheeler, shoot guns, drink whiskey, and who’s capable of being “one of the guys”? Yet we still need them to maintain the feminine attractiveness and gentle nature that caught our attention in the first place. Some women are actually able to pull that off! (If you have one, cling onto that woman for dear life.) But for men, the challenging part spurs from the fact that most of the modern expectations are counter to the very fabric of who we are. Some of these things just simply don’t come natural to us, and may never. The women that we want, and need, are expecting us to be walking, talking contradictions to our true selves and we run the risk of missing out tremendously if we don’t figure out individually how to move the needle ahead in this evolutionary change. So what are we gonna do about it? …and for those of us who are a little behind the curve, where do we start?

      No one wants to get left in the dust, socially and developmentally handicapped and ill-equipped without the necessary tools to win over the woman of our dreams. For those of us lucky enough to have already found her and somehow managed to trick that rare creature into marrying our dumb asses, we desperately want to keep them happy. Even though it can be uncomfortably difficult for many of us to open up and speak more freely about our wants, needs, dreams, desires, etc. and to seek to identify the everyday responsibilities she wants us to perform, it’s definitely in our collective better interests to figure this out. There’s just simply too much to be gained by working to become a better version of the men we used to be. 

      We don’t claim to have it all figured out. Heaven knows we’re still learning every day. But we like to think we’ve learned a thing or two (usually the hard way, of course) during the years of combined relationships we have under our belts. So we’ll make an attempt at least at some nudges in the right direction. This is by no means a complete guide to becoming the perfect modern man, but every little bit counts. And guys, we have a loooong way to go.

1) Push yourself out of your comfort zone.

      Try setting aside a little bit of time every day to do things you haven’t generally done before. Stop for thirty seconds and think, “what is it she would love to see me doing right now?” Or think about the things that she’s going to have to do if you don’t do them first. Empty the dishwasher. Pick up your clothes. Play with the kids. Clean all the garbage out of her car. Vacuum the living room rug. I guarantee the second she hears the vacuum cleaner running she’s gonna peek around the corner in complete shock, with a big smile on her face. It’s so worth it to get to see that look of surprise. It really doesn’t take much for her to notice and appreciate the effort you’re making, and that can definitely pay off in spades!

2) Get your head out of your ass and quit worrying about looking silly.

      They love us, and they want us to succeed in this effort. Because, quite honestly, in the end succeeding means less stress and responsibility for her and a closer connection with her man. She already knows damn well you’re not weak. So go ahead mister tough guy- swallow your pride, and be willing to try something new and different. Hold and feed the baby, cook dinner for her, sit on the edge of the bathtub and wash her hair, do a couple of loads of laundry, clean a toilet, split the unmanly quiche with her, help her pick out the new kitchen drapes or which dress you think looks best on her. Trust us when we say, a little effort in this area goes a long way. Don’t worry, no one’s going to ask you to cash in your man card. Doing these things rarely ends up being as bad as we’ve built them up in our heads to be. There’s a lot of personal satisfaction to be gained in letting our guard down and letting go of the macho.

3) Manscape

      It’s not our place (or any other person’s) to decide for you whether you look good with facial hair. There’s many factors involved with choosing what look is right for you. But what we do know for sure is that right now facial hair is IN! But that doesn’t give us free reign to go full caveman. The difference between facial hair that looks attractive and a beard that makes you look like a homeless person- is trimming. Whether it’s short or long, thick or thin, black, brown, red, blonde, or silver, you have to keep it neat with a little maintenance. If you have a face riddled with overachieving whiskers or you look like a six-year-old who glued patchy looking colored cotton balls to your jaw, then it’s time to clean it up and keep the edges tight. One thing that works well is to browse through pictures online of celebrities with beards and see how they’re trimmed. Those people have professionals whose jobs are to make them look good. And don’t forget to clean up downstairs. Many men tend to prefer a woman that’s clean and tidy below the belt, so it makes perfect sense for them to like to see the same on us. Just keep the clippers off your scrotum. Most facial trimmers are way too aggressive for that and the slots between the blades are wide enough to catch fine skin. We learned that one the hard way. That’s why we’re here gentlemen- to bleed profusely so you don’t have to. Smaller, less aggressive clippers with finer blades that are made for “manscaping” work much better on that kind of skin.

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4) Retire the Mullet

      It’s a safe bet that if you’ve had the same hairstyle for longer than the past 10 years, regardless of what it is, it’s probably time for a new “do”. Keep in mind that the hairstyles that would work best for you will depend on factors such as your age, the shape of your face, the thickness and texture of your natural hair, and even how much time you’re willing to put in each day styling it. A fun and effective way to get some style ideas is to try out one of the many available men’s hairstyle apps for your phone. These apps let you superimpose a selection of different hair and beard styles onto an actual picture of yourself so you can see what you would look like with it, as well as a chance to get some opinions before you make the commitment to that blue mohawk you’ve been dreaming of. Don’t be afraid of adding some height and fullness to your hairstyle, those are popular now. And realize that many of those styles will require the use of some sort of product to effectively pull off. And if that beard has any sort of length to it, you’re going to want to take good care of that with products made for it as well. 

5) Let her pick out some of your clothes.

      Take a break from the Carhart for a day, Mountain Man. There’s no one on this planet that cares any more about how you look than she does. And you can bet your last dollar that she knows better what will look good on you. And wear it. She’s spent a lifetime looking at guys and critiquing what they’re wearing- both the good and the bad. By now she’s just as much of a pro at guys’ clothes as she is at women’s, and you need to capitalize on that experience. Don’t worry if it’s something that you feel isn’t normally your style- she doesn’t want to be out in public with a guy who looks ridiculous any more than you do. And with time you should be able to learn more about what she would like and be prepared to pick out things for yourself that she won’t toss into the garbage when you aren’t around. If you’re single and looking, go shopping with a sister or female friend. Some stores have female attendants that can be helpful picking out clothes for male shoppers. It’s also a great idea to look through some men’s outfit photos online to see what sparks your interests. Whatever your comfort level and taste in duds happens to be, never pass up a chance to be the best dressed guy in the room. 

6) Moisturize

      Really guys, enough is enough. How is it possible that this still hasn’t sunk in for many of us yet? Those hot showers we love to take so often just strips our body of their natural oils and leaves us susceptible to so many different skin issues. The best time to rub lotion on is right after a shower, and specialists recommend doing it even before you dry off. Just keep the lotion in the shower and wipe down the spots that need it (you know where they are) before you even towel off. She’ll love the way your skin feels, and who doesn’t want our women to touch us more? And remember your skin needs this even more in the winter, when our epidermis creates less natural oils. Don’t forget your face; but don’t you dare use the same stuff there as your body. The skin on your face is completely different, so use something made for faces up there.

7)     Take stock in your most important relationships.

      Contrary to popular belief, the significant others in your lives aren’t the only ones who need to hear, and be reminded, that you care for them. Call your parents, if that’s still an option for you. The day will come that you’ll wish you had done that much more often. Ask how they’re doing and if they need anything. Grab your kids, regardless of their age, the girls and the boys, and hug them like you just rescued them from imminent death. They need to know, and to hear often, that they are the most important thing in the world to you, and the boys need to see that it’s normal to hug another male. This can be the hardest part for many of us, I know. As a whole, we suck at hugging the other men in our lives. And you know how it goes, whenever we DO end up hugging we practically beat the shit out of each other smacking one another on the back throughout the whole embrace. What the hell’s that all about?!! Like the act of hitting each other somehow cancels out the fact that our arms are around a man and somehow manages to make it not weird? Is this the limit of how far we’ve come as a gender? Suck it up buttercup. Hug your Dad, your brother and your close friend- and mean it. No one’s gonna think you’re hitting on them.

      Ultimately this quest to become more modern men will come a little easier for some of us than others, we know. But we’ve gotta stick together, set good examples for each other and for our future generations. Then together we can share our successes and our failures so that others can learn from them as well. And who knows, maybe somewhere along the way we can begin to feel better about who we’ve evolved into and foster some pride in how far we’ve come as a gender. 

The Evolution of the Modern Man

by Manquipt Editors